Note to Self - re: magic wands

(But I post it in case you find it relevant)

“I am not a magic wand.”

God tells me this whenever I ask him to fix my problem. (Oh yes, I am one of those people who thinks she can hear God). I know, I say to God. Of course I know you’re not technically a magic wand. But you are God. You can fix problems like that. Right?

This, as they say, is where the rubber meets the road - when life of faith clashes with, well, life. I want God to be understandable, sensible, predictable, reliable, and so on - and does whatever I ask him to, when I ask him to. So when He doesn’t, is he really as powerful or loving as He says He is?

This is when I ask myself, Who is God and what do I believe about Him? Funny enough, I ask this all the time. And when I do, I approach it with some trepidation because doubt tends to give me pause, as if it’s something to fear. But it isn’t. A life of faith does not exclude doubt. Sometimes I wish it does because I think my life would be so much easier if I don’t ever doubt. Although, I suppose, then it won’t be much of a faith-filled life, then, will it? Like that guy in the Bible who says, “yes, Lord, I believe. Help me with my unbelief.” This paradox keeps me awake at night often.

But for now, let’s return to the magic wand.

So when He says He is not a magic wand, I say Hmm, why not? It sounds like such a stupid, childish question but I can’t help it – it’s there. It also nags. I can't pretend I don’t have silly questions. I mean, pretend? Pretend in front of God? If God is God then He already knows all about my stupidity and childishness and the extent of it – and He is not turned off by it. How do I know? Because he smiles (ah yes, sometimes I hear and see him) and shakes his head like, Oh dear, little dear. Then He leans over towards me with His hands clasped in anticipation for what else I have to say. And usually I have a lot to say:

Is it because you can’t fix my problem, Lord? You heal the sick, you cast out demons, you silence storms, you raise people from the dead – sometimes just by speaking!!! You perform miracles! My problem is hardly a huge problem; it’s nothing to you. Part the Red Sea or make the day stop; create the universe - now that's huge. You healed that woman and raised your friend from the dead. I’m just asking you to make this problem go away just like you made all those people’s problems go away. Instantly! Healed. Delivered. Resurrected.

Of course you can fix it. Fix it please. And fix me too while you’re at it.

And then it occurs to me. Four things.

#1. He thinks it far better to fix me than to fix my problem. He can fix these difficult situations for me but that’s not what I really need. “I came for you,” He reminds me, “not to solve all your problems, or to protect you from troubles, or to keep you blissful. If that’s all I do then I am not who I say I am. I can just blink and make those things happen. But I pursued you, I died for you, rose again from the dead for you, and I sent my Spirit to dwell within you. I did all that so that we can be together.” Yeah, He tends to talk a lot about this because despite my knowledge of it, I don’t act like I know it. His patience amazes me.

#2. Fixing me takes time. Time. Not a wave of the wand. And no one else can offer me all of that, without fail, other than God. In other words, because I need Him to fix me, I need Him to be GOD, not a magic wand. I'm impatient and I hate to suffer the process of growing, so of course I wish fixing me can be done with His blinking. But it cannot, because, …

#3. He wants us to be together. That’s the point. He fixes me by being with me. Even more correctly: His being with me fixes me. It’s frustrating, if you ask me, because honestly sometimes I don’t want to be with Him. But I do choose to be with Him, every time I arrive at that crossroad, because there is no one else like Him. What a conundrum. Besides, He won't leave me. Ever. He is relentless. Ack.

#4. God is GOD. So even though I want Him to do things for me or to be things for me (like a magic wand), I have to trust that He knows (me) better. It’s not easy for a controlling, calculating, future-oriented me to leave it to someone else, even if it is the God who knows me and loves me. It is frustrating, but I need to relinquish my fears. Daily.

Alright, Lord. You are not a magic wand, you do not just make my problems disappear, because you care more about my character and my growth so I can be more like you. Okay. Got it.

Then can you tell me what to do about the issues I’m having? Like, should I quit my job and go back to school? Just, tell me what to do!

“I am not a magic 8 ball.”

And... here we go again.