A Girl's Guide to a Breakup, Ch. 7

Survival Kit

A few months ago, a friend told me via e-mail that she encouraged her sister to read my blog, particularly the Breakup posts, because she had recently broken up with her boyfriend. I think of my friend's sister often, so in case she's still reading (considering I haven't posted in this particular topic in a while), Hello. I know what you're up against. I don't know what would help you, but I know that I gobbled up everything I could to get through one more day, one more week. So with that in mind, here's a list of things and people who helped, and why they helped. I hope they are available to you.

1. Henri Nouwen's The Inner Voice of Love. Nouwen wrote these short spiritual imperatives, designed to be read one at a time, to be relished. Don't rush. I started it in June, it is now February, and I'm only twho-thirds in. It's not a 40-day of something, it's a lifetime of it. It's not for people who have goals to achieve, it's for us the broken, the tired, the desperate. Nouwen knows what he is talking about and so it makes me feel like he knows me, which is the most comforting notion yet disconcerting at the same time. Sometimes it takes me a whole week to get through one short imperative. I let one just sit around, go back to it again as it swirls and swells in my heart.
   
2. The Bible's book of Psalms. I've always though the Psalms were cool, you know, they were the blues of their time. They wail and protest: How long to sing this song, Lord?! I picture the psalmists in their harps (okay, guitars, electric) or horns and just emo-ing out. But now, I see the tears in their eyes, the pained, tired eyes. And when they sing Hallelujah, it's a jumping up and down Hallelujah, sure, but it's also a cold and a broken Hallelujah (to borrow Leonard Cohen's verbiage). When they say praise the Lord, it comes from a deep hole that cannot be filled but by God's consuming fire. I get it now. I am the Lord's, not because of some intellectual decision I made, but because I need Him. I have no one else to yell at, cry to, and ask from.
   
3. The saints that have gone before you, the angels who cover you and hold you, aka your friends. I hope you know someone like Matt, who from thousands of miles away would write and call (thank you, Skype), counsel you with anecdotes, and send you books. You need someone like Shuwen, who would let you cry on her shoulder and hold you like your life depends on it. Or David, Cynthia, Sarah, Patrick, who would regularly IM and talk to you just because they want you to be okay. Or Elang and Sanchia, who would make you laugh. Or other amazing women who have experienced the same disappointments and who have wisdom beyond yours. You need a village to carry you through. It is not good for (wo)man to be alone. In short, friends' words and hugs are good. Very good.
   
4. Being in the presence of beauty - preferably nature - helps me. I think it's because when I can breathe fresh air, stare at the vast ocean, and play, I get back to the root of why God created humans, and that is a great reminder that it is well with my soul. Breathe deep. Rest. Play. Eat. Repeat.
   
5. Be patient. Take your time. Well-meaning people would want you to shape up, get busy, get your mind off things, date, drink, etc. I didn't. (In hindsight, exercising would have been a great remedy). But I just stayed true to my pace, and am still going about it the best I know how. And really, I didn't feel like drinking, dating, making myself busy (other than what was necessary, like writing my thesis), because even though I knew they might help in the short run, I might cheat myself out of the healing process. I've taken to saying, "Well, what doesn't kill you,... might make you sick. But the Lord heals and He raises people from the dead, so either way, we're covered." It's just my way of telling myself, all shall be well.
   
6. Don't try to make him out to be a bad guy if he is not. Don't make someone (you or he) something more or less than he/she is, because that is what evil tries to do. I tried to tell myself that he is not worth it, he is an ass, he is ... fill in the blank; but God would counter my points every time, by bringing up a memory, which is so annoying! Then I would try to list my faults - and God would say, yeah, so what? "So what?" is a dangerous and effective question. It challenges the status quo, the obvious, the thing that has claimed itself as the truth. Forget it, I'd say, I would never get married!!! and He says, "Oh really? So what?" and then I'm stumped. So what if I don't ever get married? Is that my goal? Is that happiness? Is that what I construe as success? Well, why? So what if I do get married someday? "So what" helps me drill down to the core, which is why I think God says it to me often.
   
7. Go to the Lord. He can take it. He wants it. Yell out your fears, dreams, and disappointments. He is used to His bipolar children (e.g. me) and He is not surprised by you. I was struck by the depths to which I went, but He's been there and He is there, too.