For Lara

Here's something I learned in 2004.

I am a fearful person. I fear the kind of connection that lets people see the gunk and filth inside of me. I fear rejection. I fear pain. So I construct a pretty and mighty wall around me. People can look and admire and be drawn, but can't get in.

But here's the insane part: It's an illusion to think that I can protect myself from pain. The walls I put up turn people away; I get hurt anyway from loneliness and failed attempts at meaningful relationships.

I'm not really sure 2005 will be the year to overcome this. Meditating on the root cause of my fear seems to help, except that the triumph is not in making a decision to change - it's making it every day. I have to decide to choose humility - every single day. It's in making the right decisions continuously until it becomes second nature.

On a related note, I slowly realize that a lot of what I learn comes out as wise sayings and may make a good little gift book, but it doesn't become a lesson until I own it. You know, until it makes a mark. Or a scar. Why does it have to be that way? I don't know. Maybe because we are all lepers at heart. Our pain sensors are wasting away. Perhaps that is why, to remember the sting that led to the scar means I am human and living life to the fullest. So kids, don't hide 'em. Wear your scars. And then run to the Healer who can set you free.

Isn't that, in the end, what it's supposed to be all about anyway?

I don't know. I'll let you know when I get there. But in the meantime, I know the answer doesn't lie within me (I'm debased and sinful after all) but in the One who said, FEAR NOT, I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS.

Perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18) - that John, he's a smart one.